16 rules on how to destroy the minds [and lives] of young lawyers in India.

16 rules on how to destroy the minds [and lives] of young lawyers in India.

Hi there! At absolutely no cost at all, you can learn the 16 rules on how you can destroy the minds and [consequently] the lives of young lawyers in India. This guide was prepared from the author's exposure and experience in the legal fraternity. So, the advise in this guide should work well. Read on to gain wisdom on the above!

0. Definitions This is the definitions clause for this guide. Each definition may or may not carry the dictionary definition of the word being defined.

  1. Lawyer: By lawyer, this guide means "litigation lawyers"; not lawyers who engage only in transactions and consulting. And it definitely does not include "teachers and judges". The excluded categories mentioned are the sometimes the result of destroyed lives of lawyers.

  2. Minds: You know; that thing a lawyer actually needs.

  3. Lives: This word does not mean to include the economical status of a lawyer. So, when using the word "lives" the guide is figuratively referring to the word "souls".

  4. India: The largest democratic country in the world.

  5. Destroy: This word can also mean, depending on the context, enslave, numb, and, cheat. The idea is to prevent the young lawyer from becoming a noble and honest lawyer.

Rule 1: Initiate the destruction process when they are young
This works especially well, if you are a parent or a relative of the young lawyer. If you have already failed in convincing your child or relative to refrain from taking up a profession in law, you can still tweak his or her choices of legal careers. Constantly ask them "is there any scope for the field you have chosen?" This works in almost all situations. Or this can be rephrased into the conservative Indian uncle's question, "ethra kittum? (how much will you get?)"

To the above, add constant nudges to take up "corporate law" (because it is the only area of law that actually can pay your bills), prepare for judicial exams, take IAS after LLB ("because there is no powerful creature than a bureaucrat who knows the law"), take MBA after LLB ("because there is no powerful creature than a businessman who knows the law").

Basically, teach them to crave for money, power, success, and fame; ruin will follow.

Rule 2: Get them admitted to a "good" law college (aka "school")
With the relaxation of the Bar Council's guidelines and state policies, there are law schools popping up like mushrooms (did you know that mushrooms are actually fungi and only a few varieties are edible?). Choose the "best one" with the highest "placement" rate, so that you need not worry about idealistic professors or classmates brainwashing the young lawyer to take up just causes and the worst of all, "litigation".

Rule 3: Educate them about the only road to salvation: "exams"
Teach them that there are actually a variety of exams that are available to choose from for the young lawyer. A few examples are, bank exams (because there is no powerful creature than a bank manager who knows the law), judicial exams (because litigation lawyers won't get marriage proposals), civil service exams (because that's the only exam you can spend years preparing for without having your kith and kin judge you for your incompetence), and the greatest them of all state PSC exams (because that is the last resort)!

This rule can be executed from day 0 of law college (day 0 refers to the admission interview day) till the young lawyer reaches the point of no attempts left (age 35). Do not lose hope if you are an experienced lawyer and you see a young lawyer who has started appearing in courts. Take them aside during breaks and constantly "motivate" them to save themselves.

Rule 4: Constantly remind them to save the existence of the human race through marriage
Getting married is a necessity for all humans. Inculcate the idea in young lawyers that litigation lawyers won't get spouses and that relatives won't support any family who decides to marry off their child to a litigation lawyer. This will scare them more than economical challenges. This rule is easier to execute if your target is female.

Rule 5: Starve them
Do not pay young lawyers adequate compensation for the work they do for you because when you were a young lawyer you faced the same. It doesn't matter if they are not from a privileged family like yours. Just starve them and force them to sell their souls for money. This will trigger them to ask additional commission from clients, engage in champerty, and chase ambulances (now chasing is easier because of Google Maps).

Rule 6: Teach them to overcharge clients or else engage in predatory pricing
Nothing depresses a client than a lawyer charging an arbitrary fee out of the blue. Teach the young lawyer to refrain from setting a fixed fee beforehand but charge arbitrarily after an appearance or the filing of a petition.

If this doesn't work, use methods of predatory pricing to hold on to clients. Use this rule depending on the context.

Rule 7: Remind them that, if the court they are appearing in regularly does not have air conditioning, then it is not a court and there is no justice served there
Only the Supreme Court, the High Court, and some Tribunals and Commissions (who have retired High Court and Supreme Court judges presiding as Chairmen*) are real courts. Never let the young lawyer learn about the word quasi-judicial.

The other "courts" are not really courts. They are only forums. Just like the consumer disputes redressal forum. Reiterate this idea often into the minds of young lawyers. They will soon move to the above mentioned higher realms of law practice.

* Chairmen - Men who love chairs.

Rule 8: Discourage reading
Shout at them if you find them reading instructions on a bag of potato chips. Remind them of Google Search, LexisNexis, Westlaw, and such and that they bring up snippets of case laws or legal principles which can simply be copied and pasted to legal briefs. Specifically encourage them to ask other lawyers to provide templates which the young lawyer can simply edit and touch up to file in courts. In this way, the young lawyer actually ends up not reading the provision of law concerned and not see the forms in the statute.

Rule 9: Teach them that case law trumps legislation
Never let them read the actual statute. The judge's interpretation in a precedent is the best capsule form of the law they actually need. Discourage original thinking. Never let them touch the statute book other than for arranging them neatly on a bookshelf.

Rule 10: Address young lawyers using terms of endearment
If you have heard of words like "chhottu", "thambi", and "aniyan"; their counterpart in the legal fraternity is "junior". This is the word to use to enslave them within your empire (if you are a "senior"). The author wishes that the cheaper words used by the British such as "door tenants", and "squatters" were used widely in India.

Remember that the word "junior" is the best way to play "ammaavan (uncle)" in the fraternity. Do not lose your grip on that. Never introduce your "junior" as your "colleague" or "associate" to others.

Rule 11: Teach them that Constitutional values are unattainable ideals"
Remember the line from the popcorn flick National Treasure: Book of Secrets, "people don't believe that stuff anymore". Never let them, even for a second, think that Constitutional values are actually attainable goals for a nation. So, even when they argue in courts using constitutional provisions, teach them to do it without conviction or concern for the state of affairs in the nation or state.

The Constitution is only for academic exposition. The provisions in it are not to be pursued. They are only good for making money in air conditioned courts.

Rule 12: At the least, teach them that caste and caste issues do not exist in India
We are a happy family travelling together on a journey as one nation. There are no caste issues prevailing in our society. Judges don't account for the caste of a lawyer appearing before them. The Bar doesn't care either. If the young lawyer is from a "lower" caste, just tell them they don't have sufficient talent or merit to actually become great lawyers.

Rule 13: Teach them that what is shown in movies about most lawyers are real. Teach them that the perception of the society about lawyers is spot on: "all lawyers are liars; and one cannot survive in the profession without lying"
Teaching young lawyers these tenets of law practice will first confuse their moral senses, plunge them in guilt when they break them, and later push them into complicity. They will think that lying in courts and to clients is the rule and there are no exceptions. They will not care about professional ethics (except for exams and interviews).

Rule 14: Teach the young lawyer that the pursuit of material wealth is no longer ignoble
Remember the time when people used to despise other people who only wanted to make a lot of money for themselves? Well, teach the young lawyer that such a time is not only gone but that the pursuit of material gain is now "cool". Let them widely discuss pay packages of corporate firms and constantly compare it with the pittance they get from litigation. Encourage young male lawyers to upload pictures of their Bullets, Thars, and Aviators onto Instagram; because those are the signs of actual manhood and the fact that they are lawyers to makes the combo deadly. Let young female lawyers discuss dresses and fashion instead of case law and the latest happenings in the polity. Let the kids enjoy.

Rule 15: Distract them with alternative forms of fraternity
After all the depression caused by regret and failure mounts inside a young lawyer's brain, he or she needs a place to relax. How about a bar....association?

Bar associations are for festivals, karaoke nights, politics, elections, caste divides, and show of strength; but never for learning, mentoring, and town hall discussions of law. And also make sure your target does not fall into the trap of study groups.

Instead let them fight among themselves to decide whether Mohanlal or Mammotty is the better actor. You can also think of encouraging them to join fans' associations.

Rule 16: This is the greatest rule of all: only "government lawyers" are true, honest, fair, and just lawyers
Teach them this rule and their destruction is assured. This is because nothing that has happened in history counts. The State is the fairest and the most just political or societal entity that exists. The State (or the King; or in our case, the Emperor), can do no wrong. So, it is the safest and also a moral duty to become a government lawyer (available in many varieties starting from APP/GP to AG).

There you have it. The guide to destroy the minds and lives of young Indian lawyers. Share it wide and freely. The more young lawyers you stumble, the better.
PS: This guide is not real or serious. It is only meant for satire. If you did not get it from the outset of the article; kindly consider going back to school.